A lot of stuff has come and gone in the last few monthes since I’ve posted. I did feel for quite awhile that the creative juices were being sucked out of me but at the same time I think it has something to do with that precious commodity called time. I feel like the last few monthes have just floated by. My days were spent behind my computer working on excel spread sheets, getting up to help the odd customer and wrapping up Christmas baubles. I worked on pricing and only talked to the odd contractor. Work is a little boring through the winter, it’s true. I was offered another job in and around October which I seriously considered taking but I felt that I was not being called there and I stuck with the job I’m in now. It certainly has it’s frustrations some days and some days it makes me come home crying but I still believe I am where I need to be right now. I guess sometimes things have to be harder to feel more rewarding. The best and brightest spot in my life right now is my fiancee. That’s right, I said it, FIANCEE! I am an engaged woman now 🙂 Curtis and I got engaged December 29 at one of my favourite spots down by the Vedder River in Chilliwack. I sort of knew it was coming but I never expected it in the moment that it happened. It’s the weirdest thing really when you are with this person who you have learned to love so deeply and its just you two together and you just sorta feel like you’re in this weird time warp where everything doesn’t matter except the moment and that person. That was how I felt.

By the Vedder river

By the Vedder river in September

Before Curtis and I became engaged I worried about my past relationships and the hurt that you carry out of them.  I wondered how I would feel about my past once I got engaged, much less married. I wondered if I would carry it with me into marriage,  I wondered if I would feel trapped with the secret that the past sometimes must become when you’re with someone new.  Some people say that time heals all wounds but I’ve come to my own conclusion that it’s not time that heals it. The disappointments, failures, and the tear that is left in your heart when someone leaves you or when you leave someone is like carrying around a huge weight. At first, it gets dropped on you and it flattens you, it devastates and ruins you. After you’ve layed under that weight for awhile you realize you can’t just keep on laying their so you start trying to get up and move forward in any way possible. That weight has the effect that carrying anything heavy would have and that means that after a little while of standing up and walking around with it, you get tired and you break down again, you crumble under it and lay under it for awhile again and so the cycle goes for a time. Eventually, I think you become accustomed to carrying that weight. Hence the term baggage? (I dont’ know about you, but when I go on a trip somewhere my suitcase is ALWAYS heavy! 😉 ).  I think that the reason people think time heals is only because you need time to build your strength to carry that load.

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” We are people who are easily burdened, people who worry, and people who have trouble giving our burdens over to Him.  He gently asks, nay, he actually commands us to come to him with those burdens. He doesn’t say, “Hey if you think it’s cool you should totally talk to me…”or, “So when your at your wits end why don’t you think about coming to me….” . What a lovely command, what a soft landing he gives us and our souls when life gets us down.  I realized that this worry I had was legitimate but God gave me more then one way to deal with it. First and foremost, the most effective tool that I always have within reach and that any believer has in reach is prayer, a direct line to God. We know that no worry of ours is too small and that God can count the hairs on our head. He knows more about us and what we need, than we know about ourselves. The second tool I would mention is our loved ones whether that be your significant other, your parents, sisters, brothers, or friends, He surrounds us with His love in one way or another. So now I move forward and I know I don’t need to be afraid of feeling trapped in my thoughts of the past, I know I can lay those burdens on him. He has given me strength and continues to give me strength and I know He will do the same for anyone who comes to him. He guides your lives and He protects them. You are never trapped in any way shape or form when God is leading your life. You are always in the right place at the right time, and if your not He is busy working to turn it to your benefit and I must humbly admit I have seen God’s divinity in my own life.  I am amazed at how He made my life work out when I thought all I was doing was messing it up. I can’t say how many times I wondered if He had erased my name from the Book of Life and I can’t say how many times I may wonder it again since I am just a sinner.  I know that a topic like engagement should probably come with more excitement and happiness in my writing and  although it’s not bubblegum excitement, it IS humble gratitude and acknowledgement of such a wonderful God who has shown me with this big event in my life that He is in control. He knows what is best and that no matter where you are in your life or whatever your circumstances, God gives you every reason to look forward with hope for the future both in this life, and the life to come.

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Don’t get me wrong- we are very happy and super excited 🙂

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Cheers to what’s next! Champagne was so fun! Thanks Kathy!!